christmas eve

 It's December 24, and I feel the chills,

I said I love this weather, but now it's different

I have changed it, to wipe away the past,

They remind me of you, and the things we used to share

It aches my heart, remembering the warmth and the care,

Why repeat the past? Why not burn the memories, like autumn leaves in vain?

Make a bouquet of dead roses, and set them ablaze,

To find some warmth, some comfort in the winter haze,

I'm under my blanket, but my feet are freezing cold,

Why did I let you in ... the thoughts unfold.

Winter reminds me of you, of the rain that always fell,

It always rained when we talked, 

Now I hate the rain, the snow, the winter's bitter chill,

Reminders of you,of the memories that I'd rather kill.

Journaling- 🪞⌛️

 It'll be 2025 in a few days. Journaling may be part of many people's new year's new me list. I want to share how I lost one of my habits growing up. 

I think I started Journaling properly in 2017, which is 8 years ago, and I was very sincerely following that for a very long time until mid-next year. 

This was the dairy that I owned. It was really pretty and has a lot of my memories. 

I remember I was over the moon cause I had found such a cute color-coded dairy. 

Now I had read Anny Frank at that time in 2016 and she had named her diary "kitty" so I was inspired by her and decided to name my diary too. But what? I didn't wanna copy her so I brainstormed and came up with an extremely tacky name (it's hilarious) I named my diary "Selfie". 

Currently, it's the most absurd name to call a diary but at that time I thought I was a genius to come up with this and I even explained the reason."Cause it's just me and you and nobody else" Lmfao.

Now this diary journal was like my secret dump box. My emotional support system. I would pour my heart out into this thing. And I would gatekeep it so my brother or parents would not find it. I just penned down whatever I felt, all my intrusive thoughts. It had a list of names of people I thought were good to me and of people rude to me. Like a death notebook. I would plan my days in it. Track my exam score. Bitch about friends. Write about crushes, TV shows, news songs .... just everything about me. If you'd ever read this then you can figure out my whole personality.

During lockdown, I slowed down writing but would still update weekly or twice a month. Then in 2023, I started to just update once in two months and then just summarise whatever was happening. Now comes 2024. I stopped writing at all. I started this blog post and made drafts of this. And uploaded only when I felt like I needed to. My writing habit is gone. I am skeptical about writing what I feel like. I am not even frank with my own diary. That's cause it doesn't feel safe and then I only write on unwind cause I know people read my stuff here. When I started getting views in here I stopped writing on my diary at all. I just wrote here and the stuff that I wrote was very filtered not truly out of my heart cause I am a coward and I don't like when people know I am weak. 

My older version was more carefree. She just did what she found would be fun for her not just for showing others. I might make no Grammer errors now while writing but what I wrote then was gold. Writing on Blogger is fun too cause you know people read it but sometimes just blabbering without wanting anyone to listen to your blabber is more fun.