The never ending cycle. The exam that I need to appear is so toxic it is the extreme level of rat race and I have made myself go through so much pressure that it's now way too sad if I don't make it to the other side.
I have never felt this dumb. This fucking exam has sucked life out of me. I cant even laugh without feeling guilty. I can't go out. Can't eat outside food or I'll get sick and no health is not the issue. The time that it'll waste is the issue. Nobody cares about the journey and the struggle that I have to do everyday. Even I myself feel it's worthless if the results are not extraordinary. But Is my life all about this?
Never had I thought I'd think this way. I know I was kidding when I casually said I'd kill myself if I don't make it this time but deep down I know it's not a joke. My fucking life is not just this exam. I am a totally different person if I substract the studies part. No entrance exam can take away my whole ass life away. Not just mine but anybody's life is way beyond all these worldly stuff and competition.
Aren't we supposed to grow up get to experience life, love and get loved. Connect spiritually and physically with all these godly things. Life is supposed to be enjoyed and these exams are just a part of the experience not the whole centre point.
Yah If I clear the exam , I'll become a doctor and I'll have a very good life that I have planned for me and then everything will better and all the other people near me will also be better, But if this plan is not followed then what? Are other future plans also altered.
If I don't become a doctor I'll do some other work right now no idea but ok things will be different. Can't say for the worst but yah very different than my plan but still life needs to go on.
All I can do right now is hardwork and then leave everything on god cause I can't control anything.
It's never a plan it's all part of a bigger picture that's created and all these are just levels. Maybe it has been destined I'll get into college in yada yada yr so that the other following events can happen so it's all planned and planned for the best. So over stressing is not gonna change anything and only gonna make the path to future events difficult.
It's the eternal truth focus on karma and the results will align on their own.