🚮 trash

What if I tell you someone has a lying problem? Now, that’s like the biggest no-no, even if they are your friend. But the problem is they don’t lie about big things… just twist small information. Like, you ask something and that person will not tell you the whole thing,just information in pieces and bits to leave you confused.

If you ask the birthdate, that person will tell you the date but shift it a day ahead or behind… Arghhh, it gets so irritating. Like, how do I trust? Fuck, man… even simple info like “how many siblings do you have”-type questions are not answered properly.

How can someone be like that? What does it take to just be honest and normal? Why do I attract such weird personality people that just make my head twist?

They think giving half info or acting secretive while twisting everything makes them look cool and mysterious. If I fucking find out about your pretty little lie, while you say,"Haha, gotcha, you are so easily agreeable"...that just makes me wanna puke on your personality. Ehhh, such idiots.

I guess I am really bad at choosing people. No, but honestly, nowadays people are too hard to read and twisted mostly guys. Whatever girl friends I make, none of them act like this.

They think the mysterious “mystery guy” personality is super attractive and people will easily get manipulated. I guess my past self would have, but now I know, and if I spot the fucking “social engineering,” I will run from miles apart.

I am so done now. I wish I lied too now. I feel exposed and offended. I was trying to be open to everything but ended up where I most dread being.

In the real world, these types of people just keep on creating an enigma personality and end up sad with all the lie traps they created.

Go fucking work in Jamtara… at least lying there might get you some money. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Lol, may such people never find me ever again 🙏🙏🙏

Not 3am but still deep talks

 What if I die suddenly, yah like just die out of nowhere, no prior preparation no signals nothing. 

I am not scared of dying I don't think anybody is scared to die, they are scared of what happens after their death... 

If I die I don't know what'll happen to my parents. They will probably leave hope to live right, I'm not being selfish but like really my parents don’t think about themselves, whatever they do it all circles back to me and my brother.. Investments, houses, things they buy everything is for us. They never plan on how they’ll live when they get old.. they plan on how they will build assets for us, so much planning and I die. Just thinking about this is horrifying..

Talking about emotions, I was crying the other night because of my counseling process and how it has fucked up my life ... my mom didn't go to sleep until I stopped sobbing and sent me to bed and hugged me saying "You don't need to worry about anything, we are there for all your hard situations".. she checked on me twice that night.. Ik cause I couldn't sleep. 

When you see so much affection coming your way, you can’t stop but feel guilty for any actions that might make them sad. 

I have heard people say they are scared of what'll happen to their belongings and phone that they leave behind, well It's sure a wierd thing to say... you don't want your parents or people around you to know what was in your phone. But what will they do with all my stuff. Will they throw it? cause seeing it would just pain even more right.. When dadu died we donated all his clothes except some of his favourite coats and suits that he had only worn once or twice. He was saving them for some special occasion. It's sad how that coat will remain untouched forever and then someday someone will come and throw it. 

I don't think my death will affect anyone other than my own family like sure my extended family will be sad for a day max but after that they’ll be back to normal.. same goes for my friends, 

Some might even be unaware like who'll tell my dc friends I died my parents don’t know they exist. Also what if someone hacks my profile and uses it even after I die. Damnnn that'll just be horrible but who cares I'll be dead. 

Like in the past people had last wishes if they were killed. If someone asked for my last wish I wouldn’t know what to say .... probably something for my family like lifetime help for my parents for when they get old. 

The reality is I'm scared of death not because I love my life or anything, I am scared my mom dad won't be able to take it and that’s the terrible part. 

Well death is just inevitable but I don't want my parents to see my death. That's just how I want things in my life. 

Brhh now I should stop thinking about all this and probably do some exercise cause surely I'll be sick if I don’t.

《ok off topic— this show is boring yet I'm watching it S1 done.... itna bhi bura ni tha S2 ... itna bhi aacha ni but ok.》

Post binge sadness

 You know it's always hard for me to start watching a new show or series cause It needs commitment and force and a lot of mind making. If I don’t know about how the show will turn out to be just going through the first few episodes without loosing interest is difficult.

But after the first few episodes the plot starts to settle in and make it's space and slowly creeps into you. That's when the interest builds and you start coming out with ways to make time for the show in your day. 

But just when you start liking everything about it. The show comes to an end, You are left with all the watched episodes and an empty feeling. 

The post-binge-sadness, I call it. 

After this I don’t know what to do, I have so much free time now and nothing to watch. I don't wanna start a new show cause I don’t know if it's gonna be intersting or not. 

Memento mori- Even our favorite stories must have their endings, teaching us to appreciate, the beginning and all the moments in between.

Dream destination

 

Sibling core

Today was one of those days when I was missing my brother the most... not a day goes by when Mom doesn't talk to him. It’s those routine before-bedtime calls that keep him connected to us. I don't talk to him daily and he mostly calls on Mom's phone,they talk, and I blabber in the background.

Those personalized phone calls only happen when I want something. It’s either a Zomato order or my after-mid-meal chocolate cravings or a random demand. He's my go-to wallet. Not that I can’t pay, but just because I have him why would I?

Why would I, until he's married? After that, things might change... I wouldn’t be the only princess he has to pamper, and I won't have his 100 percent attention.

Thinking about those older days, I just wish I had some more time to enjoy with him. We only got close when he went to college and then came back during COVID... that time really was the best. I got to know my bro could be my friend.

Although most times he'd be the one getting me in trouble, he surely saved me from so many situations.

We used to fight so much,I literally couldn't stay in the same room as him. But during NEET prep, he was the one who understood my mood swings.

Mom and Dad didn't know how to handle the hormonal teenager that I had become. They thought I was throwing fits and had become a batameez ladki for talking back and shouting at any little thing, but he always protected me—at least tried to understand what was going on.

After I'd fight with my parents, he'd come to console me and we'd order pizza secretly.

Arghhh I miss having him around so much.

He might be intelligent, dashing, and a little reserved around others, but he'll always be the Nepali-naakpichu for me.

I might not be the best sibling to him, who'd always call him with respect, but I know I'm his favorite and I always will be.

No matter how many new people come into our lives, I'll always be his personal stylist and someone he can come to for brutally honest reviews.

Self talk — Commitment

One thing I seriously need to engrave in my mind is this: I need to be consistent in whatever I do.

I’m so fucking distracted all the time. I’ll have five half-read books lying around, and instead of finishing one, I’ll go grab a new one like it's a shiny toy. I decide to learn guitar and stay hyped for three days — and by day four, I completely forget about it. Back to square one.

Same with learning new skills — I’ll get all pumped up, start strong, and by the fifth day, I’m bored and out.

Honestly, whatever I’ve seen in life, whatever I know; only a consistent person gets anywhere. And that’s something I seriously lack.

I have to study everyday even for one hour just to get into the zone. I feel so out of connection with books and everything. I don't even think I could sit shutup without the phone for even one hour. 

In college I've decided to study everyday. whosoever cleared pg in 1st attemp says they used to study everyday even for 3 hrs and that really made them different from crowd as most people are inconsistent.. so am I. 

But I'll have to change this dumbass behavior to just get what I want. 

Talking to an IITian friend made me realise why he's a genius.. he is so fucking focused and disciplined... If he goes to gym he'll do that everyday not even a single cheat day even on the day he has to party and that just makes him diff from crowd. That’s what took him to IIT and that’s what makes them successful and focussed. What he told me was that He is always conscious about the streak that he maintains in his head like a challenge that just pumps him up.

I really need that level of focus. Just thinking and all is very easy but to be a go getter I need to really commit to whatever I do. 

Social adaptability— Versions

 Social adaptability is so real.

Like for example, when I'm talking to my school friend Radhika, I’m the loudest person in the room. I’m expressive, I yap endlessly, we can go on for two straight hours without taking a break. I crack jokes, listen to her rant, we bitch about people, have random laughing attacks… it’s chaos in the best way. Talking to her makes me feel so alive. I become this extroverted, bubbly person full of humour and opinions. It's effortless.

But then, take someone else,someone I like talking to but can’t express it. Suddenly, I become a completely different person. I go silent. I just want to listen. I nod, agree with whatever they say, my opinions disappear into the void, and my mind totally blanks out. I have nothing to say. My reactions? Dull and unexpressive. And inside, I know this isn’t me. But I just can’t open up. It's like I'm trying to be a likable person by just agreeing and also unexpressive.

It sucks. Because the other person might think I’m boring or dry. And just like that, the whole connection shuts down.

It’s not just with people I like — even with some I’m comfortable with, I’m still reserved. I talk less, I sound disinterested, and I come off like someone who doesn't want to be there… even when I do. Why can’t I be the same with everyone?

And it makes me wonder- does this make me fake?But here’s the thing: whatever version I am with someone, it's still me. I don’t force it. I don't act. If I’m loud, it comes naturally. If I’m quiet, it’s not because I’m pretending – it's because something inside me isn't ready to open up yet. And when I do try to force being talkative or interesting, it feels completely fake and unnatural, and even runs down my social battery. 

Whatever it is I'll try my best to be an interesting and emotionally open person in college to just have some more fun and meet good people. 

The med life will hopefully treat me well so I can treat others. ⚕️🩺👩‍⚕️