Stages of Emotional termoil

 DISCLAIMER: DON'T TAKE LIFE AND PEOPLE IN IT TOO SERIOUSLY.. BUT IF YOU DO THEN YOU'LL  SURELY AT SOME POINT IN LIFE FEEL DISHEARTENED.

I TAKE EVERYTHING HAPPENING TO ME LIKE AN EPISODE IN A SERIES WHERE I AM THE LEAD AND THINGS AROUND ME ARE LIKE A PLOT WHICH WILL KEEP ON CHANGING UNTIL AN HAPPY ENDING. THIS WAY LIFE BECOMES EASY TO DIGEST CAUSE OF COURSE YOU BEING THE MAIN LEAD WILL GO THROUGH UNEXPECTED DISASTERS AND GOOD STUFF TOO JUST KEEP ON DOCUMENTING THEM.

WRITING ABOUT IT HELPS ME KEEP A TRACK OF THE PLOT AND THE CHARACTERS IN IT, SO I CAN BINGE READ IN FUTURE WHEN I'M BOARED. 

THIS PIECE BELOW IS ONE SUCH EPISODE MAYBE A LITTLE BUMPY BUT INTERESTING.

Stage: Obsession 

 Sometimes forgetting a person can be so tough. One day you feel determined to not think about them but then just the next day you can't control it. Your brain gets Dopamine from thinking about them. You'll think that the feeling might fade as the days pass, but then the brain wants the happiness and sadness you get from thinking about the past the things that happened in the past, or about the things you wanted for the future. It's a trap that you get into.

Stage 2:Emotional dependence 

The shot of serotonin and dopamine can either make your day or spoil it. The person's presence is not needed for it. The moments in your head are enough. Out of desperation just to fulfill the greed of your head you try to get in touch with that person but then as we all know that person won't be back in your life ever again and so you again start to feel guilty for contacting them after being thrown away like a fly by them. You'll again start to think about them. This time out of anger but then nothing's different be it anger or love. All that matters is the brain getting their Dopamine because of their thought. 

Stage 3: Guilt

Again, guilt.  This time, you are worried about yourself. It's been at least five to six months since you last talked to them, but then why are the things so fresh in your mind? Will they ever fade? Will the craving to listen to their voice for one last time ever go? Will the feeling of wanting to share about all the things happening to you ever disappear? 

Will you ever be able to connect with someone in the future the same way you did with that person? Did a few life choices spoil your love life forever? 

Stage 4- Acceptance

Acceptance. Getting used to everything. That's very hard to achieve but not impossible. Maybe someday when you wake up you can finally feel you didn't think about them or the memory won't affect you. You'll no longer want to have them in your life and maybe even treat it as a joke. Basically, just move on like the other person did,

If you would've known that you had to go through all this just because of replying to a text you'd have never done that but things can't be reversed. The only solution is to accept that you are stuck but someday you'll get out of it but Ig he was indelible.

Just another day

199 DAYS TO GO FLASHES ON MY HOME SCREEN.. IT'S 1 AM AND I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 5 TO STUDY. BUT I CAN'T SLEEP.... I WAS SLEEPY AT 12 BUT THEN WHEN I HIT THE BED I AM NOT ANYMORE. I WANT TO GET UP AND STUDY. BUT THEN I ALSO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5 CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BREAK THE STREAK. MY BESTFRIEND HAD HER FIRST DAY AT HER PRIVATE MED COLLEGE. SHE TOLD ME TO CALL HER WHEN I'M FREE BUT I FORGOT.. MAYBE I DIDN'T... I JUST DON'T WANNA TALK. LAST TIME I DID IT WAS NOT NICE. I WAS FEELING BAD ABOUT MYSELF. SHE DIDN'T GET A GOV COLLEGE JUST LIKE ME BUT OPTED FOR PRIVATE AND I DECIDED TO DROP. 

I AM HAPPY FOR HER BUT SAD FOR MYSELF. UHMM NOT SAD BUT JUST A FEELING OF HOPELESSNESS. MAYBE AROUND THIS TIME I'LL BE IN COLLEGE TOO, PRIVATE OR GOVERNMENT OR ABROAD WHO KNOWS. DAYS ARE JUST FLYING. MY MONTHS JUST DISAPPEAR IN COUNTING FOR DAYS TO THE NEXT TEST. 

THE FORCE I FEEL TO JUST HOLD MYSELF THROUGH ALL THIS IS TOO MUCH. I PRETEND IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS TO BE FINE. BUT SOMEWHERE I KNOW IT'S FINE IF NOT THIS THEN THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORST. 

IDK WHY I WAS SO SCARED THROUGHOUT THE DAY I FELT SO WIERD. THOUGH I FEEL OKEYISH NOW MAYBE THINGS MIGHT WORK OUT THIS TIME AND MY GUT FEELING SAYS IT'LL BE OKAY. I HAVE STAYED STRONG TILL NOW JUST FEW MORE DAYS AND I'LL BE SET FREE.

🪽Embrace your dreams the whole night,tomorrow comes with whole new light. 🪽

Am I a feminist?

 This question's been in my mind for quite a while. Ok so for me feminism means to speak when you see a woman get oppressed not just saying this for the sake of it. As far as I remember I have always been quite vocal when it comes to it, even as a kid I would get mad seeing women get shut off or get beaten and my thoughts were clear about it. 

But growing up I have realised I have gotten judgemental. When I see women wearing absurd clothes or talking unnecessarily against men or even when I read about divorce news(been seeing quite a few lately). At times like these, my stand wavers, and that opposes feminism in general or maybe not (you can't clearly define it).

But then today when I was trying to convince my parents about the colleges abroad they said we'd have sent you without much tension if you were a boy and that hurt cause I can't be a boy and that's a stupid excuse for me. What can a boy do that I can't? 

I have always taken them in confidence and built my trust. Never did anything throughout to break it. If they had given me some better reason then I would have been convinced but this gender thing is something that offends me a lot.

 Being a girl is hard at times you can't even do normal stuff like taking a walk alone at night cause there's a threat to your life. You might get harassed or even worse. Even when I want to walk on my terrace alone I have to convince them and why's that? Just because some random men from my apartment can have wrong intentions, it won't be safe. I can't even convince them cause I know they're right and some men can't be trusted. So you gotta protect yourself.

Although I don't wanna comment on it yes girls have the quality to adjust to certain things that will be called adjusting with misogyny but being able to go out is a basic right. 

Aamis -ravening

Spoilers ahead (if you'll be watching it)!!!!

 I watched "Aamis" a 2019 movie yesterday.

So usually I don't like to see the trailer or read reviews about the movies I am about to watch because I don't wanna create a notion in my head as it spoils the raw experience for me.

I came across this movie's clip on yt and decided to watch it. It's a Horror/Romance genre although nothing Horror, also it was a regional Assamese movie and I didn't know that so I watched it with Eng subtitles.

Coming to the movie...It started out as a cliche romance plot between a married doctor and a PhD student. An affair is quite a common plot for regional movies right ... don't wanna generalize though.

But as the story unfolds you can't predict the plot..I was shocked watching it. It's about addiction and Passion. While watching it you'll be engrossed in the story and the soundtrack is really good it just binds everything. The protagonist 'Nirmali' looks so beautiful throughout and by the end, you can see the wild and psychotic feel in her eyes. The way she acts on tasting flesh is just another realm of acting that she did and then the guy 'Sumon' looked like an absolute eye candy throughout but by the end of it I could feel his dark side when he says, "the definition for normal isn't universal when it comes to meat eating". And his passion for the doctor that he shared through food took such a dangerous turn.

This film is about cannibalism. There are a lot of movies on this topic out there and I haven't watched them so I can't compare but Yes if you'd ask me this one is definitely different. Also being a vegetarian now nothing can convince me to convert into a nonveg eater after this.

 I got so obsessed with Sumon's smile in the film that I stalked the actor after that lol. He's a singer in a band and really attractive... Gotta watch more Assamese stuff  :P 

New people replace Old people

 To move past an old memory you need a new replacement.

I have heard some things are irreplaceable but I have seen everything is replacable. If you can't move on from some old friendship just make new ones it won't click you just suddenly but with time the old feeling will fade away. You'll forget about that someone whom you used to miss the whole day.

You might not get the same feelings with the new friend you got with the old friend in the past but the feeling will be more mature and calculative and you will feel stronger and more polished as a person cause the loss of that friend helped you build up a new personality. Look at it like it's the after-effect of someone. Things will feel dull initially but eventually, you'll find your glow. You'll learn that the old person had nothing special it was you and your brain that made it special and beautiful and it is you and only you who's going to make many such moments special at different situations and different times.

Clinging to thoughts is tiering. Just rewinding the cassette in your brain and thinking if I would have done this or that or yada yada... then things would have been different is nothing but time waste creating scenarios in your head but not doing anything to execute is also foolish.. do everything you can to make things different but if the efforts don't give you what you wanted just move past them they were never yours and it was not meant for you. What's not yours will never be yours.

Pull yourself together and work on building what you can Not everything is in your hand.

🗑️🚮

 Fuck Instagram... Never felt so left out in my entire life.

It was my best decision to not make an account for the last 3 years but then Why did I even think it was a good idea to create a profile on it. I thought ghar me bus akele rehkar toh I would feel alone so why not get updates on people's lives through it but wtf dude It's given me the worst FOMO in life

Everyone's killing it in their sasta private engineering college. And the amount of fun these people have is just disgusting. 

Hadd hai matlab it's not even Navratri and these people uploaded like 50 dance pictures. And never thought sab he relationships me aa jayenge. The actual brain rot is this. 

Never gonna log in again. 

Mindblown

 Toh bhaiyon behno ... khushi ki baat ye hai ki the puppies are back .. Wow wow wow 

Hnji gali me new puppies kahin se toh prakat ho gaye hai. Purane wale toh wo bekar log lekar gaye but new puppies aa bhi gye . Exchange offer tha sayad XD. 

Bare wale do chote wale le lo 

New pups are very tiny teenies and golu molu 

Toh mai ab unko khilaungi. Always wanted to be pet mommy lol but ok abhi street dogs se kam chala lenge. After I have my own house 2 dogs are mandat. 

I am gonna name this one Tillu cause he looks like he is tillu. 

Piche wala is hard to spot cause iske jaise aur bhi 2 hai toh iska name hum Dobby rakhenge 

Fyi Dobby mere pet parrot ka name tha who died after staying with us for 1 month :"/